7 Red Flags You Should Never Ignore In a Relationship

Have you ever been (or are you in one now) in a relationship where you began to question yourself whether a problem is work throuhgable or if it’s a sign that you need to break up. Not only have I experienced this multiple times, but I also found myself feeling very confused while facing this decision. My dilemma was - I didn’t want to break up if the issue was something that could be resolved and the person I was dating was willing to work on it. But, on the other hand, I had made the decision in past relationships to work through some of the problems only to learn that I should’ve broken it off when the issue arose because nothing ever changed for the better. As a matter of fact, in some instances, the relationship got worse. So, I found it hard to determine when a potential partner or relationship showed characteristics that working through the challenges would be beneficial and grow into a great relationship, versus when to see the challenges as red flags and indicators that I just needed to cut my losses and move on.

From the outside looking in, it’s pretty simple to identify characteristics and scenarios that should cause any woman to walk away from a relationship. But leaving after you’ve fallen in love or created a bond with someone can be easier said than done. And because lots of us women do not see the huge bright red flags waving incessantly during the dating stages, we wind up fully emotionally attached to someone finding it difficult to cut off a potentially toxic relationship before we get too deeply invested. It’s at this point where it becomes challenging to determine if a red flag is actually something that can be worked on, or if it’s something that should cause you to abort the mission immediately.

Over the course of 12-13 years, I got stuck in a cycle of indecision because I lost the confidence in myself to make good decisions when it came to relationships. I constantly second guessed myself when I decided to end a relationship, and when I decided to stay and “work it out”, I beat myself up for not ending it when it didn’t “work out”. Needless to say, I learned A LOT through all of that trial and error (you all already know my relationship story, because I’ve shared it multiple times in the All Queens Army Podcast). So, I’ve taken what I learned and summed it up to help you ladies make the best choice for your life and relationship. Here are 7 red flags that you should never ignore while dating or in a relationship.

1. Emotionally unavailable. It’s pretty easy to spot an emotionally unavailable person. These are people who will not “let you in”. They will allow you to love them nor will they love you. Remember, love is a verb - it is a thing that you do, not just something that you say. Love is expressed through actions, it’s the act of a person showing you what they feel for you. So, emotionally unavailable people may love you, but they choose not to put that love into action which causes you to not be able to feel or experience their love. If you can’t feel or experience it, there’s no point in having a relationship with that person. Being with an emotionally unavailable person is also extremely harmful to your emotional well being and mental health. Being starved of love and affection is emotional abuse. So, Queen if you find yourself in this type of relationship - GET OUT immediately. And no, he or she is not just “scared to love” - that’s an excuse for them to drag you along and take your love while not having to get any back. Also, no - do not try to analyze him or her. Whatever causes them to be emotionally unavailable to you is not your problem so don’t give ANY more energy to it. Identify that they are emotionally unavailable and leave.

2. Lack of communication. This is a person who does or will not communicate their feelings, thoughts, plans, whereabouts, decisions, etc. Yes - communicating all of those things are normal and healthy in a relationship. Is everyone a pro at communicating? Hell NO! Most of us have to work on this quality to become better, but there is a difference in someone who won’t communicate and someone who doesn’t know how and is willing to try and learn. Characteristics of someone who won’t communicate are: They shut you out, ignore, or ghost you when angry.Their way of dealing with relationship problems is to sweep them under the rug. They won’t tell you how they feel when they feel vulnerable or hurt. They block your number over petty arguments or disagreements.

They talk to everyone else about you but won’t talk to you.

In all honesty, some of you may fit into one of the above categories because you too lack the ability or just flat out choose not to communicate. If you see one of those

characteristics and know you do them too, just acknowledge that this something you should work through. If you need help click here for my video on communication 101.

However, if you do communicate, but you are dealing with someone who does not and they have one or more of the characteristics above, ask them if they are willing to learn how to communicate better. If they are, great! You may be able to work through this problem. But, if they are not (or say they are but still do not make the effort), GET OUT. Don’t even waste your time. The relationship will inevitably end anyway because it can not survive without communication.

3. Constantly talking about their ex or past relationships. Straight to the point - LEAVE. Talking about an ex and/or past relationships repeatedly is a sign that he or she is still emotionally bonded to that person or experience. It is an indication that he or she potentially has a trauma bond, not over their ex, or have not healed from past heartbreaks. Trust me Sis, you don’t need this kind of baggage. Let this person go so they can deal with their shit. Period.

4. Refusing to acknowledge your relationship publicly. Recently, I’ve seen and heard lots of people say that they don’t want their relationship to be public or they feel that if you want to keep your relationship happy you should keep it off of social media. And I’m sorry, I respectfully disagree. Now, I’m not saying that making your private life super public is cool or even necessary. I don’t agree with that either. What I am saying is that you can acknowledge your relationship and the person who you are with publicly WITHOUT sharing the details of your personal life and your personal business.

Think about it, if your relationship can be strained or even torn apart because other people know who your significant other is, or because of what people may say, or because of any drama that may ensue - then, that relationship isn’t solid anyway. I know that outside influences can create complications, but that’s what committed relationships and marriage is all about - working through and overcoming challenges TOGETHER. As a team!

Your man or woman should acknowledge you, be proud to be with you, shout their love, loyalty, and devotion to you from the mountaintops. Hiding the relationship to keep it safe and protected is not practical. That’s like saying you’ll never drive your brand new Bently that you’ve been wanting forever because you don’t want to risk getting in an accident. Why have something that you need (or want) to hide. Love is beautiful. And we could all stand to see more examples of it being expressed out loud.

My opinion (and it’s ok if some of you disagree) is if you do not feel comfortable acknowledging that we are together publicly, meaning you are purposely hiding our relationship; then this is a huge red flag for me and I will choose not to be with you. My self worth speaks too loudly to be hidden. Period.

5. Unwilling to take accountability. You’ll be able to spot this characteristic quickly. If everytime you bring an issue to his or her attention and they make an excuse, try to turn it around on you, shut down, or start a full blown argument. Just leave. People like this are NEVER wrong, NEVER have anything to work on, NEVER apologize, and are NEVER honest with themselves about their faults or flaws. Don’t waste your time. Cut 'em loose. Relationships take a ton of work, so if someone is aware of willing to admit that they have some work to do on themselves, it’s just a waste of time. There are plenty of potential partners out there who will acknowledge that they are not perfect and be willing to work on their shortcomings for the benefit of the relationship.

6. Lacking consistency. Again, another easy characteristic to spot quickly. If they constantly say they are going to do something, but rarely ever do it. Leave. This is a toxic pattern. The only way that you can work through this type of issue is if the person truly comes to terms with themselves and is able to admit that they are inconsistent. They also need to be willing to do the work to identify what is causing this habit and do even more work to resolve it - then, and ONLY then should you contemplate working through this problem. Otherwise, let ‘em go Sis.

7. Treats others poorly. Hate to see it. But, it happens frequently. I call it bully behavior. If they treat people badly, it’s only a matter of time before they start treating you the same. There is this saying, “the way you do one thing is the way you do everything.”. So, pay attention Queen. Behavior is a pattern.

There is no need to sit back and contemplate whether or not you should stay or leave if any of the above issues are ones that you are experiencing. Again, I did it for years and wasted so much time. Hell, not only did I waste time, I allowed my self esteem to get crushed in the process. So, take heed ladies. Red flags are the God’s or the Universe’s (whatever you believe) way of guiding your to emotional safety. And if you feel like you’re too deeply in love to see the forest from the trees, you can get access to my Private Page of Life Hacks to get a few resources that will help you. Click here if you’re interested.

I hope these red flags were a wake up call or the confirmation that some of you needed to help make some very important life decisions. If sharing my past struggles helps just one person, then I know my struggle was worth it.

Love ya, Queens

Breezy Phoenix