5 Things That Are Holding You Back From A Committed Relationship - And How To Overcome Them

Now, more than ever, I hear from more women who are over wanting to be in committed relationships because of the many issues that they have experienced in love. The frustrations of getting to know someone, falling in love, going through the emotional highs and lows, dealing with and tolerating people’s shit, arguments, disappointments, breakup to make ups, situationships, cheating and lying, financial issues, baby mama and ex-wife drama…. I mean, I can go on for days. And ummmm, yeah…. Women are fucking OVER it!!!

And because women are independent now, we don’t NEED a man or woman to be happy and content in life.

Like, what’s the point in going through all of the drama and heartache of love and relationships when you can be happy with your life as is. Having a good job, being able to support yourself & your kid(s) financially and emotionally, fun with friends, a decent social life, a lil travel, get your hair done, go out to eat, have drinks, chilling with family, making memories - All of this a woman can do and be happy without the extra headache that relationships seems to bring.

But, just because we can lead happy, productive, and successful lives without a man or woman, it doesn’t mean that all of us want to. The thing is, we can ALL be happy without being in a committed relationship. Hell, we came into this world alone, we’re going to leave this world alone, and we can survive in this world alone. However, having a partner can make all of the things that you can do on your own just a little more fulfilling. All of the happiness, success, and fun that you can experience alone can be enhanced with a partner. I mean, let’s be honest - do we ALL really want to be alone? Or, are we just saying we’re OK with it as a defense mechanism? Are we just saying we’re OK with it because we are trying to convince ourselves that we’re OK with it?

Of course, some of you reading this truly have come to the conclusion that you DO NOT want to be in a committed relationship. I can respect that, and I totally understand. But, this blog is for those women out there who are just saying that they don’t want one, trying to convince themselves that they’re OK without one, and portraying the “IDGAF” or the “Unbothered” attitude when clearly they do give a fuck and they are bothered. For those women, let me just tell you this - on this blog, you don’t have to have your guard up, you don’t have to be defensive, and you don’t have to act like you don’t care or don’t want a loving committed relationship. This is a safe zone. You don’t have to TELL anyone your truth. This conversation that we’re having right now about committed relationships, how you feel about them, and if you want one, is a conversation between YOU and YOU. You can be honest and vulnerable with yourself here. And, I promise, if you are honest with yourself, you can break through the emotional obstacle that is keeping you from experiencing the love in your life that you want deep down inside.

So, how do you do that?

Glad you asked.

Here are 5 emotional obstacles that are holding you back from a committed relationship and 2 suggestions to overcome them.

1. If you are scared to get hurt and/or have your guards up, this could prevent you from attracting the man or woman for you. Now, I know a lot of you are going to say that you have to keep your guards up to identify red flags and keep out the fcuk boys, but I will have you know that being afraid and attempting to prevent yourself from getting hurt will only guarantee one thing - that you WILL get hurt.

Let me explain.

First, the law of attraction states that whatever energy you put out into the universe is what you will attract back to you. In other words, what you ARE is what you attract. So, if you’re afraid to get hurt, you will also attract someone who is afraid to get hurt. And I hate to tell you this, but 2 scaredy cats is a disaster in the making. Here’s why. If you’re scared to get hurt, and you put your guards up, then you attract someone who is also scared to get hurt, so they have their guards up too - neither one of you is allowing the other person to get close enough to experience love. Neither one of you are allowing yourselves to experience what the other person has to offer. You’re both moving in fear, hoping that the other person displays their vulnerability first. You’re both complaining that the other is “not doing something” that you (or they) need to do in order for a relationship to move forward. And, the truth is, you both are just a mirror of the other’s insecurities and fears.

Second, you have to remember that when you have your guards up, you are in a defensive stance, prepared to attack when you feel threatened. Most women feel threatened when they believe they are seeing/feeling familiar behaviors and emotions that were experienced during a past relationship in which they were hurt. Additionally, most of us women use attack mechanisms such as leaving, breaking up, blocking, ghosting, accusing, and assuming when we feel those familiar emotions begin to well up. Here’s the problem with this - the same guards that you are using to prevent yourself from getting hurt are the same guard preventing you from getting happiness. Your fears, guards, and defensive tactics may keep out the pain, but they also keep out the love.

2. You’re not being honest with yourself about what you want. This one goes back to the statement I made above about some women claiming that they do not want a relationship. As I mentioned previously, it is true, some women truly DO NOT want to be in a relationship. However, many women say that they are OK with staying single, but that's not what they really want deep down inside - and that’s OK! Don’t let society or our culture make you feel like you wanting a committed relationship or marriage makes you weak or lack independence. Remember, this is not about needing a man or woman, this is about wanting to share your life with one. So, if you are one of those women who boast about being/remaining single or make self-deprecating jokes about the status of your love life - you are probably NOT one who WANTS to remain or be single for the rest of your life. The good news is that, if this is one of your personal emotional obstacles, it’s easy to resolve. How, you ask? Well, just be honest with yourself. Own up to what you want. Allow yourself to want what you want. You deserve whatever you want in life. You don’t have to pretend to be satisfied with the status of your love life if it’s not where you want it to be. And remember, you don’t have to scream your desires off of the rooftops. Hell, you don’t need to admit or discuss it with anyone… but yourself.

3. You are sending mixed signals. Most of the time, mixed signals are a result from women who struggle with the above emotional obstacle. See, when you aren’t being honest with yourself about what you want, your actions and your mouth are not in sync. In other words, your actions and energy are saying one thing and your mouth is saying the opposite. Lots of us women have experienced men sending us mixed signals so I am certain you know what it feels like. But, it’s likely, if you are not being honest with yourself about what you truly want, that you are sending mixed signals too, AND consequently, attracting someone who sends mixed signals RIGHT back to your.

4. You are focusing too much on the other person’s flaws and problems and not focusing on working on your own opportunities for improvement and growth. Relationships are mirrors. They allow us to experience what we are emanating to the universe. Remember, you attract what you ARE. Therefore, relationships mirror things within US that WE need to overcome, work on, focus on, or improve. So, when we are super critical about the other person, it is a sign that we are not taking the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience of the relationship. If you put all the focus and all the blame on the other person, you will find yourself dating a similar personality or going through the same challenges in the next relationship. Why - because you didn’t learn the lesson. You were too busy focusing on what the other person needed to learn, what they should’ve changed, and how they behaved. But, the truth is that YOUR lesson was wrapped up in that experience. Keep your eyes on yourself and learn what about YOU attracted and allowed YOU to go through that experience.

5. You have “void fillers” in the intimate zone of your life and they are in the way. This one may be a little challenging for me to explain, but I’m going to give it a go!

You all know what the term “filling a void” means - right? Well, some women (men too, but I address women in the Queendom) who want a committed relationship but don’t have a successful one fill their lives with people who provide similar benefits of a committed relationship but… without the committed relationship. I call them void fillers.

Some people have these connections with their parents, kids, friends with benefits, BFF… hell, some people even have their ex as a void filler. The reason that I say that these types of relationships are “in the way” is because there is a bond with the void filler that can be felt by people that you date. To a person that you are dating, you are giving off an energy of not being totally emotionally available, which is a turn off if that person is looking for a committed relationship.

So, why is a “void filler” relationship or friendship a problem? Well, it’s because a void filler is a situation in which you (or the filler) has created a co-dependent relationship. This invisible umbilical cord is the emotional (or physical) attachment that those 2 people created to fulfill what each other is missing. This unhealthy bond prevents each person from working on themselves individually to heal whatever is causing the need for the co-dependency. And as long as that bond exists, no other intimate relationship can compete. Queens, you have to keep in mind that committed relationships need your FULL commitment to survive and thrive. You have to be willing to let go of unhealthy bonds. And this has nothing to do with sex. Many people have unhealthy bonds with family members and friends as mentioned above. The “unhealthy” part of these void fillers is the co-dependency, neediness, and emotional attachment.

Again, this is a hard one to explain. I may just record a podcast episode about this topic in Season 4 to go a little more into detail because I am sure I can articulate it better verbally then I am doing in written form.

Whewwwwww, that was A LOT!

Ok, so to close out - how do you overcome these emotional obstacles? The first thing that I recommend doing a self reflection exercise to uncover your fears and get in control of your emotions. The second thing I recommend is the Exploring Your Relationship Energy exercise. You can get quick access to both in the VIQ (that’s my Very Important Queens) Private Page of Life Hacks. Just click here to get the link and download both in minutes.

I hope you beautiful Queens feel empowered to want what you want! There is no shame in wanting to spend your life with someone special. Relationships are places for growth and evolution, and when there is love in them, they are so beautifully fulfilling.

Sending you Queens tons of love dust, positive vibes, and happiness manifesting energy.

Love y’all

Breezy Phoenix