How To Stop Feeling Guilty For Saying ‘No’

So, we’re all adults - right?

Like, we’re grown grown.

Yet, somehow, life has figured out how to produce bad feelings such as guilt, remorse, shame, or embarrassment within us when we say ‘No’ to the things that we don’t want to do or support.

...and the craziest thing about it is - we let these feelings of guilt and shame linger and progress and ultimately bully us into saying ‘YES’.

Well Queens, today is the day that we hit the ‘OFF’ button.

Yes, we are turning the guilt, the shame, the remorse, and any other bad feelings OFF because we are adults and we can say ‘No’ without an explanation or feeling like crap.

But first, let’s talk about why we feel guilt to begin with. Here’s a few reasons why it happens:

1. We don’t want to let people down.

2. We want to be liked/accepted.

3. We have set unrealistic expectations of ourselves.

4. We live for the applause and appearance of being a hard worker, great mother, best friend, supportive daughter, etc.

There are far more reasons, but the above are the most popular… and if you can relate to any of these, then you are prioritizing other people’s perception of you over your own well being. You are willing to sacrifice your peace, happiness, and what’s best for you to benefit others or become what they (or the world) thinks you should be or do what they think you should do. And that’s why you feel guilt when you say No, because you have been programmed to feel obligated to please others, to help other people, as this is what is considered to be a ‘good person’. But, the definition of guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, and you must reprogram your mind to believe and accept that saying ‘No’ is not an offence.

So, how do you stop the guilty feelings?

Understand boundaries and then set them! Boundaries are invisible little fences that create the foundation for healthy relationships and a strong sense of self-worth. They show (and tell) people how you want to be treated and what you will and will not tolerate. Boundaries ensure that you will not be mistreated, taken advantage of, used, or taken for granted.

One of the most important benefits of creating and enforcing boundaries is having healthy emotional and physical detachment from people and circumstances. It is important to do this so that you maintain who you are as an individual and have your own personal space, privacy, feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas. They allow you to be yourself rather than an extension of someone else, who someone else wants you to be, or how society wants you to behave or define you.

Now, how do you set boundaries:

1. First you’ll want to get clear about who you are and what you want. This will help you identify what you will and will not tolerate and what’s important to you.

2. Next, stop apologizing for what you want, need, and require. Understand that your needs and feelings matter and are just as important as everyone else's. If you don’t stand up for yourself, everyone (even people who love you) will have the ability to walk all over you and overlook your feelings.

3. Also, be direct. Communicate your boundaries firmly. When you begin to stand up for yourself, please be aware that some people around you may find it offensive or be shocked that you are asserting yourself, but keep doing it anyway. Do not worry about letting anyone down or hurting their feelings. These boundaries are not about THEM. You were not created on earth to appease, please, and serve everyone else first. You are to nurture, protect, and care for yourself FIRST, because only a healthy person can care for others. This firm and direct communication may be difficult at first, but practice makes perfect. So, start having these conversations with your loved ones, friends, employer/employees, and anyone else in your life who needs to understand your boundaries.

How do you enforce your boundaries without feeling bad:

1. Self love, self worth, and self confidence. Basically, valuing yourself and your well being above all. Understanding that no one else is more important than you.

Just reading the above will have some people feeling guilty already and rejecting the valuing of self as a first priority… and THAT is the foundation of the problem. Again, you have been taught to put others first. I know some mothers will disagree, feeling that their kids come first. Well, let me ask you this - if your kids come first, who is to care for them if you are ill, sick, worn down, or emotionally drained? How do you teach them how to love themselves, value themselves, and not let people take advantage of them if you aren’t demonstrating those characteristics? (remember, your kids do what you do not what you tell them)

If you feel that you struggle with self love, worth, and confidence, there is a tutorial here that will give you the steps towards achieving self love.

So, what do boundaries look like in real life? They look like saying things like No to attending their party. No to loaning them money. No to hanging out when you just don’t feel like going. No to taking them to work every day or giving people a ride. No to doing someone a favor. No to working late or picking up an extra shift. No to doing anything that you don’t want to do for whatever reason. Boundaries also look like saying No without explaining your reason. You do not have to justify why you are saying No.

Your feelings, comfort, desires, well being, happiness, needs, wants, hopes, and dreams matter. You are worthy of living the life you want, experiencing the things you want, and having the relationships that fulfill you. You are worthy and deserving of peace.

You must unlearn self confidence sabotaging behavior and habits, and learn how to protect and care for yourself by creating boundaries and saying ‘No’… because if you do, you will attract the people, situations, and circumstances that protect and care for you too!